2018: A Year in Bad Portraits (Welcome to a year's worth of awkward photo-fails).

Hello you. 

If you've ever dropped by to visit me here in any given January over the last 5 years you'll be familiar with the concept of my bad portraits. But, if not ... let me explain:

• they're my visual equivalent of a New Year detox; 
• they're a means for me to balance out a year of sharing the best, most flattering photos of myself - (these days that happens over on Instagram - @withjuliekirk - where like clockwork, every 4th photo I share is one of me) -  with the ones that didn't quite make the cut. For reasons which will become obvious.
• they're a flushing-out, a fresh start, an enema for the ego!
• and they're a chance for me to laugh at myself ... and offer you the same opportunity.

They're my BAD portraits ...

As I say each year, you are free to laugh at the following content. In fact, please do, because otherwise what am I even doing sharing them?! 

• This project is never about body-shaming or self-critique. At worst it's self-deprecating ... at best, it's a healthy self-assessment, and I share mine in the hope that it'll make you feel better about yours! 
• And I never share photos that make me feel bad, or ones that  don’t make me laugh, so you're absolutely safe to laugh along.
• So, let the guilt-free voyeurism commence ...

My Year in Bad Portraits: 

The 2018 Edition.

I'm going to start with a photo in which I look like an oil painting.

It's just a pity that the oil painting in question is one of Rembrandt's self portraits.

Granted, dude could paint ... but he was no looker was he?

Below I've put together my Top Modelling Tips so we can all learn from my mistakes. Because these kinds of selfies - where you accidentally take a photo while clutching your phone in a clammy hand, and then you end up looking like an old Baroque artist - are just the worst.  Right?

Modelling Tip No.1: Find your Angles. 

Please note:  this one is never your angle:

Unless you have an especially interesting under-the-chin tattoo, there's never a good reason for you to be taking a selfie from below.

Ever. (As these shots prove.)

From above my loves. Always from above.

Modelling Tip No.2: Always be aware of what your hands are doing.

Left: despite how it appears, I'm not actually trying to keep paparazzi at bay with a modest "No photos please" gesture. I'm just trying to get my phone's camera to take a selfie (where you hold up a hand to set the self-timer going). And then. ... I guess I got distracted. Which happens.

Right: At first this seems like a half-decent outfit shot (of a vintage jumper I found in a charity shop), the kind any fashion-oriented Instagrammer might share. But, then - as I did while deciding which shot to share - you might just notice where my it looks like my right hand is resting. Oh. Dear.

And you might think I'm an entirely different kind of Instagrammer ...

Modelling Tip No.3: Cultivate your 'Signature Pose'

And while yo're practicing it in front of your bedroom mirror,  just be glad that 'startled Scooby Doo' is the one that comes naturally to me, and not you:

Modelling Tip No.4: Be like an actor and think yourself into the character you're trying to project.  

Case in point: 

• here on the left I'm channeling that look your mother gave you when you arrived home later than your curfew when you were 8 and where she claims she was just about to call the police to find you.

• Meanwhile, on the right I'm bringing to mind all those times in life when you're in public, and you don't want to make a big fuss but your stomach has just sank because you've suddenly thought "Oh God, where did I leave my keys? I thought they were in my pocket, but they're not in my pocket."

(Honestly ... posing for outfit photos is a sure fire way to foster a greater respect for models!)

Modelling Tip No.5: Be a blank canvas so you can easily adopt other personas.

Here, I've managed to appear so blank ... I've accidentally allowed myself to be possessed by Neo from The Matrix:

(Seriously, all I was trying to get was a selfie with the sky while I was out walking! Why does this happen to me?)

Additionally ...

• On the left my mother and I clearly tapping into our inner thugs with our 'We're out to hot-wire cars' looks:
• While on the right I'm tapping into the 'Forthright nun' pose so, at least whenever I move on from modelling I'll have a future in Call the Midwife: 

Modelling Tip No.6: Leave behind your self-consciousness and really feel the moment.

Genuinely, neither of these photos were staged to look funny. But as to what I was really doing in them?

Buggered if I know.

Modelling Tip No.7: At the very least ... try not to look like the walking dead:

And, finally ...

 Modelling Tip No.8: Play with the camera by embracing your inner child. 

• On the left I've somehow managed to access the look of a sly and crafty five year old drugged-up on too many sweets.
• And on the right ... well ... I guess this is the face I make when eating crisps in a library whether I am aged 2 or 42!

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Now, while not strictly part of my modelling tips ... no Bad Portraits round-up would be complete without a shot of me crying and eating!  (Generally in life, if I'm not doing one I'm doing the other!)

• Left: don't worry, I'm crying for nice reasons, I was watching the  movie God's Own Country on Netflix for what must have been the 2nd or 3rd time. And yes. I still cry. Every time. 
• And Right: If you've followed my Bad  Portraits in past years you'll already be aware that James often takes advantage of a moment where I'm standing still with my mouth full (no comment) to capture a shot of me where I can't complain at how long he takes to take a bloody photo! 

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And so ... we've reached the end of another year of my bad portraits. If you'd like to share my selfie-struggles with a friend, or on social media, please do. In a photo-manipulated world, the more people embracing the fun to be had from photo-fails, the better! 

Now, if you don't mind, seeing as how I've carried out my penance ... I'm diving back into another 12 months of sharing only the well-lit, poised photos, shot from above (always from above).   

Right that's it ... you can leave now, before I give you that look. You know 'the look'. This one (OK, maybe it's more of a glare):

(Jeez. I was relaxed, happy, on holiday, reading when this was taken. I wasn't even trying to look annoyed in this photo. But I do. Clearly it's an innate skill.)

Julie x

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Psssssst, before you go: if you've ever missed any of my awful faces - fear not - you can catch up with them all here:

#BadPortraits 2017

#BadPortraits 2016

 #BadPortraits 2015

http://notesonpaper.blogspot.com/2016/01/2015-year-in-bad-portraits.html

 #BadPortraits 2014

#BadPortraits 2013

2014: A Year in Bad Portraits

Hello you.

So 2015's here [Happy new year!] and there's a lot of 'new year new you' type content doing the rounds online right now.

And while it may all be appropriate for those out there who are ready for something fresh, who have the energy for making plans and sticking to resolutions ... personally I'm still feeling some festive jet-lag.

So, just as I did this time last year, rather than share my shiny fresh new goals for a better and brighter me ... which would be both exhausting and quite probably utterly fictional [I have no idea of what my plans for this year are!] I think I know what we'd both prefer I shared right now ...

• Something to make us both smile.
• Something to demonstrates not everyone you visit online has it entirely together. Not even close!
• Something that you can read through while still working your way through the chocolate / alcohol mountain you stocked up on for Christmas ... without feeling any guilt.
• Something that has the comforting ring of recognition.

And if all that fails ... hey, you can just revel in the schadenfreude on offer, and have a good old laugh at my expense.  I don't mind ...

So here we go ...

I have a feeling that this retrospective of bad photos of me has already becoming A Tradition.

I blogged 'A Year in Bad Portraits' last January and all throughout 2014, whenever I spotted a horrific image in amongst my snapshots, I dragged it over into a folder reserved just for this occasion; and now here I am, ready to open up that folder to you!

[BTW: you're welcome to join me ... there are some rules at the bottom if you're feeling brave!]

I think that during this start of a new year, [which is also my birthday week], it's not a bad idea to look back over the previous 365 days with an honest eye and to move forward with a light heart. In fact, it seems almost as healthy a thing to do as all those detoxes and training plans those energetic people are blogging about!

So please, settle back with your violet creams and cherry brandy [just me?] and do enjoy this peek into my Bad Portraits file ...

January 2014: Start as you mean to go on ...
For the last few years James and I have taken a selfie shortly after midnight when the new year is just minutes old. Maybe in future we'll remember to check that we haven't got the full zoom on:

So yes, it's imperfect, and James has no eyes and I have no mouth but ... it's like I always end up saying: You don't get a second chance at a first photo.

[If this photo is familiar it's either because you've spent a lot of time staring at my nose or you saw this scrapbook page I made with it last year.]

May 2014: Why was there a 10 year old boy on our sofa asking for more wine ... oh , actually ... no, wait ... 

Yes that is me. On the sofa, in my comfies, with my hood up, wanting a top up of wine in a pose I'm calling: if Oliver Twist was a skater-boy.

I think it was the shock of the hood, rather than me asking for more wine [he's used to that by now], that caused James to reach for his camera to capture this stunning image. And yes, he did top up my glass, who could refuse that face?

May 2014: It could just be paper-snipper's cramp ...
Except ... it wasn't paper-snipper's cramp.

Back in the spring I was planning a blog post about how I construct my 'Snipped Tales' [short, short, stories / poems made from words snipped from old book pages] and I asked James to take some photos of me at work.

While I can't exactly recall what James had done to elicit such an ... expressive ... gesture from me I'm guessing this pose is something like: Stop trying to make me laugh because it'll blow all these tiny paper scraps everywhere!

It's typical that he usually takes forever to line up a shot and take a photo ... yet he managed to capture me mid-offence without any effort!

June 2014: Taking a moment to commune with nature ... and Bradley Wiggins ...
A sunny day, shortly after the Grand Depart of the Tour de France 2014 passed through North Yorkshire and I paused in front of an allotment to get a photo of me with a papier-mâché figure of cyclist Bradley Wiggins [on the yellow bike over my shoulder].

I'm either really feeling the moment ... or else the sun's in my eyes.

Later that day ...

Note to self: when attempting to take a selfie while eating an ice-cream ... maybe don't shoot from below:

Because nothing says 'Great British Summertime' like having ice-cream coming out of your nose ...

 

July 2014: And I wonder why no one's ever asked me to help them name a clothing range ...
While this isn't an especially awful photo of me it does give me the opportunity to share with you an item of clothing that I refer to as [look away now if you're of a nervous disposition] my 'condom coat':

No matter how many nice new clothes I buy for our annual break in Lincoln, no matter how many carefully curated outfits I take with me, there's always a holiday snap of me, at the airshow, either in the rain, or shortly afterwards [it's England. It always rains when it knows you're going to be outside all day] looking damp and stoic ... in my condom coat.

Why is it called that I hear you ask? You mean apart from the fact that it's a fleshy coloured waterproof barrier that no one is ever going to wear to procreate in? Yeah .. you see my point?

 p.s: It also appears that Elton John photo-bombed me in this shot!

And, before we leave the airfield how about another photo that you can guarantee James will manage to take of me several times throughout any given year. Here's his now-traditional: quick, while her mouth's full she can't argue shot:

 July 2014: If you look into her eyes you'll turn to stone ...

The thing about this photo is I really wasn't angry, or in a mood, or about to punch someone when it was taken ... I wasn't even doing 'that look' ... but you could certainly be forgiven for thinking I was!  It was the kind of shot that, after glancing at it on the camera display, caused James to mumble something like "Ohhh ... you're going to love that one".

Fortunately ... knowing that I'll have a 'Bad Portraits' post to compile at the end of the year I'm now less bothered about appalling photos like this one; after all where would a 'Bad Portraits' post be without any bad portraits? 

I'm considering it 'material' from now on ...

September 2014: A wistful shot of us looking out to sea ...
... is what this was meant to be.

Yet this first attempt turned out more like: A couple trying really hard to work out one of those 'Magic Eye' puzzles:

 Then the second attempt reads more 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers':

And - same day, different humiliation - there's the time I channelled my namesake's second-in-command while eating fish & chips:

More failed selfies ...

I occasionally use the camera on James's phone when I've not got my camera handy. And one day, any day now, I'm sure I'll conquer the front-facing selfie lens:

Or maybe not:

And while we're still in selfie mode ...

December 2014: Because it's not really like you can/should lose weight from your skull ...
On Christmas morning I may have felt rubbish [with the flu] but that would be no excuse for looking rubbish on what should be the sparkliest day of the year and so ... with my hair and make-up done and wearing my oh-so-splendidly-silver silver dress I decided to take some selfies while waiting for James to get ready.

While looking for a flattering setting on the camera [with all the sneezing and the switching between sweating and shivering I needed all the soft focus I could find ... ] I came across an effect I'd never noticed called 'Slim' ... and I took the shot:

It's basically just done a cut and shut job on my head. In fact, I think my eyes have even lost weight here. From now on I'll just stick to holding the camera above my head and looking up into it while thinking svelte double-chin-banishing thoughts.

And for my final #BadPortrait of 2014 ...

Cut to a few hours later, at Christmas lunch, when the sneezing and sniffling had taken a toll on my eyes and given me a nose to rival Rudolph's. Merry Christmas everybody:

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So, that was my year .. in Bad Portraits. No doubt there were more ... but I think you've seen quite enough for one day. But, if you're hungry for more  ... you could always share your own ...

I know what you're thinking: No way! Nuh-huh! Not ever! Count me out! And I know this because ... to my recollection ... no one took me up on my invitation to join in last time round!

But, for those brave enough [it is surprisingly freeing ... I'm just sayin'] ... here are the rules ...

#BadPortraits The Rules:

• Only share photos of yourself! It's only fair.

But, that being said ...

• Please only share photos of yourself that you can freely laugh at. This is a feature all about being in on and sharing the joke; setting yourself free from the pressures to present an idealised lifestyle. It's not in any way meant to encourage 'shaming' in any form.
• Please go gently on yourself - if the photo of yourself doesn't make you giggle ... don't share it.

If you do share your #BadPortrait [whether that's via Twitter, Instagram, your blog, my Facebook page or on a screen in Piccadilly Circus ... do let me know and I'll pop by to see! [And laugh!]

• So, here's to making 2015 a year in which even the bad portraits are good ones.
• And here's to meeting back here in January 2016 to share them with one another!

Julie :-)

2013: A Year in Bad Portraits

Hi you. I'm starting a new tradition ... and you're welcome to join me ... if you dare.

Over the last few weeks I haven't been able to turn around in Blogland without falling headlong into any number of  '2013 in photos' year-in-review type posts. And the very ubiquity of them almost led me to putting one together myself ... but then I thought:

"But ... I blogged my Month in Numbers 12 times during 2013 [and in 2012, 11 and 10 for that matter] complete with photos ... so, if I did summarise my whole year, I'd only be repeating myself. There's really not much my online visitors haven't seen."

And that's when I heard it.

A little mischievous voice in my ear. A sort of juvenile devil on my shoulder whispering ...

"Well ... they haven't seen every photo of you Julie. What about all those ones you didn't tweet, blog, Facebook?

The ones that didn't pass the usual criteria.

You know the ones I mean? The unflattering ones, the ones where you look freaky, weird or possessed. Or all three at once.

The ones you never thought you'd show anyone ... there's always those. People would like to see those you know?"  

And it wasn't wrong about that.

When I mentioned on my Facebook page that I was considering posting an 'out-takes' type post where I'd share some of my less-than-perfect selfies and portraits well ...

... let's just say the idea received a fairly enthusiastic response from which I'm surmising that those who replied are either:

[a] being selflessly supportive of my blogging ideas ... or else ...
[b] they just reeeeeeaaalllly wanted to see me looking ridiculous.

Which seemed fair enough to me.

I'd have said the same if they'd been suggesting it!

Who wouldn't?

January 2013: 'I'm ready for my close-up now. Oh my. Now that is close isn't it?'

I'm happy to admit that throughout my entire time online I have - and will unashamedly continue to do so - shared photos of myself looking what I consider my best. [Or looking 'passable' at the very least!]. And I will happily go on taking new profile pics etc which are shot from a flattering angle; in good light; preferably behind a light blanket of make-up ... and with just the merest of photo-editing tweaks going on afterwards too!

So, yes, you could say I make an effort to present myself in a good light [literally] yet, what that giggling, perverse, little voice in my ear made me realise is: I enjoy sharing life's imperfections with you and [hopefully] raising a giggle even more and so ...  

... while this was initially meant to be a reflective post, to round-up an old year ... instead, here it is,  as my first real blog-content of the year. A post in which I'll dance like a monkey [metaphorically speaking that is. Come on now, leave me with one scrap of dignity in tact will you?] for your viewing pleasure.

Let's consider this as me starting as I mean to go on shall we? 

For the record ... and with some regret ... let me assure you that none of these were meant to be 'funny' photos at the time they were taken. That just happened naturally ...

May 2013: New hair cut, new dress, the end of a lovely meal to celebrate our anniversary, I had nothing in the world to be worried about ... not that you'd ever guess any of that from this look:

In modelling circles I believe this pose is referred to as 'the anxious guinea-pig'.

 

July 2013: Weekend break; unusually [for a British Summer] we had glorious sunshine and actual heat!

 

Which was great for my spirits and my vitamin D levels ... but less amazing for my hair. 

 

Here the humidity wreaked havoc with my locks leaving me looking less 'English rose' and more 'American rock guitarist from a 1980s hair band':

August 2013: This may have only been taken 5 months ago ... but already it's raising a questions to which I just can't recall answers. Questions like 'Why did I take my camera to the restaurant toilet with me in the first place?' [let's all hope it was just in my bag with me] but, more importantly: 'Why am I looking so utterly, nay - insanely - delighted about being in a public loo?'

Why?

p.s: that lovely lady who looks appropriately wary of being trapped in a small space with me is my sister. You didn't think I'd randomly take an insane photo of myself in the toilet with a stranger did you? What do you take me for? ...

October 2013: Thinks to self: 'I'll capture this glorious autumnal blue sky and sunshine with a nice selfie of me in the foreground with Mam behind. It'll be charming.'  Or, y'know ... I could just look evil instead ...

November 2013: This is a slight twist on the 'anxious guinea-pig' look I was seemingly so good at last year. What can I say? It comes naturally to me.

Also ... when I was taking up the hem of my dress I tested out the new length by sitting, standing and bending but the one thing I forgot to check was how short it would be should I ever get spun around while dancing with my aunty. I'll know next time.

And finally ... ever since I met James he's had a habit of snatching a photo of me while I've been eating. Mid-bite.

His excuse is that it's the one time when he can guarantee that I'll:

1. be sitting still long enough for him to get the exact shot he's seeking and
2. be unable to complain to him about how long he takes to set up the shot!

Hence our albums are peppered with countless charming portraits like these. Ones where you can never quite be sure if that food is just going into ... or just making its way out of my mouth ...

Pleasant no?

No?

Then you're really not going to like my final #Bad Portrait of 2013.

If I can pass on one tip; one nugget of advice I've gleaned from looking back over my Year in Bad Portraits then it's this:

May 2013: Don't, under any circumstances, allow a camera anywhere near you while you're attempting to eat tagliatelle in public ...

... unless unlike me, you're happy with the idea that it could result in there being a photo in  which you'd look something like a tortoise in the throes of passion!

 

Don't ever say I don't provide a public service here!

 

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So, I hope you enjoyed my Year in Bad Portraits but hey ... don't think you're getting away with things that easily!

I'm seriously asking you to consider either:

1. going back through your photo files for 2013 to share some of your own finer moments too OR ...
2. Go right now and put "2014: A Year in Bad Portraits" on your calendar as a 'thing to blog' for December this year, I have, then in 11 months time we can hold each other's hands while we bare all.
3. [Edited to add: You know I'm only talking about those photos which you are happy to laugh about don't you? I'm really not suggesting you post anything that makes you feel bad about yourself ... I wouldn't want that at all.] 

And if you just can't bring yourself to share a ropey old shot of yourself then ...

• how about at least leaving me a comment today?
• even if you don't leave me another all year;
• just to let me know you that you saw and [maybe] smiled. How about it? 

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Happy 2014 everyone. I know we'll never make it a perfect year ... but how about we try to wring out a laugh from those imperfections whenever we can? Deal?

 

Julie x